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September 6, 2007

Nine Things You Should Know About The iPod Touch

Ok, so I know you're all excited about Apple's new iPhone With No Phone Attached, but there's a few things you might want to consider before shelling out that $300. Check out these flaws that my advance research has uncovered:

  • 9. The iPod Touch battery lasts approximately 8 minutes.

  • 8. The iTunes WiFi Music Store is still in beta, and currently only offers Peter Frampton albums.

  • 7. The iPod Touch is coated with special chemicals designed to make Black men turn impotent.

  • 6. The iPod Touch thinks Dane Cook is hilarious.

  • 5. 50% of profits from the iPod Touch will be funneled into a Larry Craig presidential campaign (on the newly formed Wide Stance ticket).

  • 4. All other profits go to Steve Jobs' dog. His grandchildren get NOTHING.

  • 3. After 20 plays, the iPod Touch's DRM protection automatically remixes every file into a reggaeton song.

  • 2. The iPod Touch's special touch screen is made with the eyeballs of baby pandas.

  • 1. Every iPod Touch contains a secret pinhole camera that sends a live stream of your face to Steve Jobs' office where he spends each day cackling maniacally at your visage, "LOOK AT MY LITTLE DANCING MONKEYS! I OWN YOU, SHEEPLE!"
  • Just trying to help you be an educated consumer, my friends.

    Posted by jsmooth995 at September 6, 2007 3:42 AM

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