January 24, 2004
A (Sad) New Chapter in Blog History
Last week I jokingly acted like I wanted beef with another blog across town, namely Tiny Lucky Genius AKA the Unicorn's Tear hosted by Chicago's own Jessica Hopper. I was totally totally kidding, she seems mad cool and probably able to have me killed.
But I've always thought it would be fun if us bloggers had "blog beef", and made blog dis records about each other like all the cool rap stars do. The problem, of course, is where would we find a loser with enough free time on his hands to actually write and record a song about somebody else's blog?
As you have probably guessed by now, I am that loser. And since last week's tomfoolery gave me inspiration, I now present to you the world's first blog dis record, "I Know Why The Unicorn Cries."
Download the MP3 here, then read along below!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I Know Why the Unicorn Cries
(beat courtesy of Vast Aire's "Look Mom No Hands", additional samples added by Jay Smooth in Cool Edit Pro)
PRIMO-STYLE COLLAGE INTRO
FIRST VERSE, STARTING WITH OBLIGATORY BIGGIE REFERENCE:
first things first, Ms. Hopper: ha ha, you're funny
amusing - but your emo ego is due for bruising tonight
cuz we're never losing a fight
we keep it tight, featured site up at movable type
I fill suckaz all over the blogosphere with dread
walk mean streets these geeks fear to tread
but every now and then I hear footsteps behind me
another small timer like yourself getting grimy
tiny.abstract about to catch a clapback
next time you post about me, watch your trackback
cuz I'm about to ping you with the real
when a unicorn cries tell me how does it feel?
CHORUS:
punk unicorn!
from your eye drops a tear!
sucka unicorn!
from your eye drops a tear!
REPEAT
SECOND VERSE:
you think your tiny sucky blog makin me feel fear?
I get more hits in a week than you get all year
you cry a tear cuz you're jealous about my fame
talk a good one but never call me out by name
it's just a shame, I dunno why you think that you could reckon with me
I represent New York, you're in the second city
small time dropping small thoughts for small minds
up against THE GREATEST HIP-HOP BLOG OF ALL TIME!? (portentous echo)
you better call time like chris webber
cuz it only gets better when this veteran gets clever and spits
i'm severin arteries mercy has never been part of me
so if you ask me to i'll enjoy thrashing you heartily in every post I make
roasting fakes you and your team are artificial
like the cream in the middle of hostess cakes
and that makes a tasty meal
so when i eat a unicorn tell me how does it feel?
CHORUS
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just to reiterate, in case the inherent absurdity is not obvious, I did this strictly for the sake of being silly and I have no quarrel whatsoever with tinyluckygenius (please don't hurt me). But, if any of you want beef, y'all know where to find me! There's plenty more where this came from.
Posted by jsmooth995 at January 24, 2004 06:06 AM
Wow, that should solve that pesky "ever having sex again in this lifetime" problem.
I think the standard affiliations in blogging aren't east coast/west coast (though there's clearly some of that) but by tool. I'll go head to head against the Blogger crew any day of the week.
Posted by: Anil at January 24, 2004 06:38 AM
While you'd think this would be the first example of a blog beef song, when me and KThor from Short and Happy were beefing in 1998, he recorded a song about me, which is actually pretty good: http://www.shortandhappy.com/081100.htm
Alas, I've beefed with a number of people since then, but no other songs.
Posted by: jake at January 24, 2004 11:14 AM
Wow this post is really bringing out the blog luminaries. Jake, that song is pretty funny!
I really should have braved the elements and came by that blogger bash.
Posted by: Jay Smooth at January 24, 2004 01:44 PM
hahaha - that's hiliarious. Keep it coming!
Posted by: James Paden at January 24, 2004 02:37 PM
Absolutely phucking brilliante. I should send this to my ex-girlfriend.
Posted by: Trey at January 24, 2004 02:39 PM
Posted by: pexdiggy at January 25, 2004 02:14 AM
This. Is the reason why we all keep coming back here. Good stuff, Jay.
I never thought I'd hear anyone say "watch your trackback" and have it rhyme with clapback... And using ping as a threat is the absolute most opposite thing to what it actually is.
Posted by: djspicerack at January 25, 2004 11:45 AM
Pure musical genius! Thank you for making my day.
Posted by: Angelique at January 25, 2004 04:22 PM
SUCKA and UNICORN in THE SAME SENTENCE. I got Tiny Lucky's back to the death, but I will concede this has a certain... ring... to it...
Posted by: julianne shepherd at January 25, 2004 06:11 PM
Jay... I stick up for you like Jermaine sticks up for his brother Michael.
Posted by: eric at January 25, 2004 07:48 PM
jay i meant to tell u... when u gave me that cd with u rhymin on it from a while back i was like who the hell is THAT? you kinda nice B!! let me find out.. lol
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Artificial like the cream in the middle of hostess cakes?! That's ill. Tell JB to hook you up with some dope beats and you'll blow up in no time. Forget Wrekonize, the Roc has found its new star.
Posted by: quimby at January 26, 2004 01:36 AM
"...Nerd-core hip-hop other rappers run in fear
that I'll put them on the record where their friends could hear.."
I'd take on the Blogger.com crew but they got numbers on their side... and I ain't frontin to the those Live Journal types - those 13 year old girls travel in packs!
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Posted by: eokyere at January 27, 2004 12:22 PM
I'm keeping this in my playlist, I think it's wonderful :op
Posted by: Dunstan at January 27, 2004 02:46 PM
the samples are especially nice & funny
Posted by: stunt at January 28, 2004 08:56 AM
A tremendous piece of work Jay but I realise the hidden motives; you will now have to make a video for MTV and fill said video with numerous scantily clad dancing female bloggers.
God I wish I thought of it first!
Posted by: Kevin at January 29, 2004 05:40 AM
That was TYTE son...
keep it coming!
hahahha! :D
Posted by: Onlovin at January 30, 2004 04:33 AM
That was both safe AND bitchin. And maybe even proper bo!
Keep up the good word dawg.
I'm out, yo.
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Posted by: tank-Boy at February 3, 2004 03:27 AM
Sikk bre' tha lyrics r tyte... tha diss master flex gots to b 4 real, if dat wasnt a diss den i dunno wat iz..
me out-chow....
Posted by: Jooles at February 6, 2004 10:55 AM
SAY WORD. (word.)
Judging from this and my own egocentric mindstate, we should take on the rap game.
Team B-log vs. Shady Records.
I'm ghost.
Milo
Posted by: Milo at February 11, 2004 06:07 AM
That was mad funny.You could have added...
I'll tear the horn off the last unicorn,
then stab her in her ass with it and post it as porn
..... but that's just me.
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just saw this now...excellent, as always.
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To the owner of this blog, can't you do something about this? BTW, blog beef is very funny. ;)
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Posted by: Polina at November 2, 2004 09:23 PM
U are a funny dude. u got me crackin up wiht this mess. U GONNA START CALLIN OUT IP'S! OH DIP!!!
haha beat my beats son maybe we can diss www.downloads.com for bein punk sucka muthafuckas!
beats = www.soundclick.com/djhaze for ur listenin ears.
Posted by: Djhaze at November 3, 2004 03:09 AM
U are a funny dude. u got me crackin up wiht this mess. U GONNA START CALLIN OUT IP'S! OH DIP!!!
haha peep my beats son maybe we can diss www.downloads.com for bein punk sucka muthafuckas!
beats = www.soundclick.com/djhaze for ur listenin ears.
Posted by: Djhaze at November 3, 2004 03:09 AM
oh snap i had to say it twice. "beat my beats" no more indo for this dude. suckaduck!
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