The Inane Asylum

February 8, 2005

Choice Jose Canseco Quotes

Posted at February 8, 2005 7:02 PM

A friend passed on these comic gems from Jose Canseco's new book "Juiced":

"People like to credit Cal Ripken for helping save baseball or maybe Mac and Sammy for the great home run chase of 1998. Well, you already know about the steroids I gave Mac, without which he would have been lucky to hit 25 bombs a year, but I also helped keep Cal's streak alive. True story: We were playing the Orioles in 1994 and Cal gave me a call at my hotel. 'Jose,' he says, 'you gotta help me out. Kevin Costner is trying to make some moves on my wife and I wanna beat him up. But I don't want to break my hand or anything. Would you mind stopping by his movie set on the way to the ballpark and roughing him for up me?' Since Cal is such a great guy, I did just that. It's pretty easy to rough somebody up when you're in the middle of a 'roid rage, so I just injected myself before my little meeting with Mr. Costner. And Cal was able to keep his streak alive. And the next year when he broke the record and ran around Camden Yards, high-fiving all the fans? That was my idea."

and another:

"After I joined the Yankees late in the 2000 season and led them to their third straight World Series title, I was sure we had a dynasty on our hands. But that winter, well, this is hard for me to admit, but I stole Derek Jeter's girlfriend from him. I think I was jealous about all the attention he was getting and wanted to get some revenge. I felt bad about it -- heck, I even went to therapy to help me better understand the inner feelings of inadequacy I've always felt which lead to my self-destructive behavior. Bottom line: Jeter got mad, complained to Steinbrenner, and that's why I wasn't brought back the next year. And of course the Yankees haven't won a World Series since."

All this hubbub reminds me of thay Simpsons episode with Canseco and all those other MLB players. On the DVD commentary track, the Simpsons staff says "all the players were really nice! Except for one player... whose name rhymes with "manseco."

But as cartoonishly insufferable as Jose may be, does anyone really doubt that all those mentioned in his book really took steroids? This "how dare he??" grandstanding against his allegations seems kinda silly to me.

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